The truth is out there, but I think it's probably a weeklong (or longer!) bender on Burns' Uniflite. Sober up, boys, and get your butts to work! There may be a UFO involved, but in this case it stands for UniFliteOblivion.
Johnny Cochran, attorney representing K. Paul Cook, held a press conference to deny rumors that Cook had any thing to do with the disappearance of one Mr. Burns, alias BLM, editor in chief of the higly regarded Motorcycle Online Website. "Everyone knows I have had my problems with the guy and there is no truth that I dared him to a duel using Buell Blasts at high noon in the MO parking lot".
1. Munich-to-Geneva-to-Rome literbike V-twin vs. triple vs. inline-four megatest. Notify the Pulitzer committee.
2. Tijuana to Cancun on both lithe little dual-sports and big adventure tourers, with a lengthy sidebar involving tequila comparisons.
3. Minime becomes waaaay more mini: Shrunk down to 1 cm tall, he infiltrates the Honda GP camp to tell us what's really going on with that unstoppable V-5 from an unusually close perspective. Subesquent delay results from extensive debriefing of what he's found, as well as problems reenlarging him to normal size. (The fifth software map for the Sagem growth injectors still isn't right.)
What really probably happened:
1. Deepak had a burst of misguided higher consciousness and dictated that in keeping with feng shui traditions, all vehicles parked in his building could only travel east; still awaiting completion of staff global circumnavigation.
2. Burns is currently being kept in a nice soft happy place with many friendly people all around. Coincidental simultaneous reports of a short naked middle-aged guy running along the Ortega Freeway babbling about trail-braking, with a potent mix of Paxil and THC in his system, have nothing to do with this, of course.
3. The insurance company has something to do with it. (When in doubt, blame either your tires or the insurance company.)
4. Buncha bike-ridin' wine-drinkin' World Cup-watchin' Euro-wannabe goofs the staff is, they're all staying up too late and are thus not able to write anything the next day.
5. Microsoft bought them out, and lengthy Satanic soul-selling rite is still in progress.
And here I though Johnnie B and friends all just ran out of things to say (Or maybe every Motorcycle Manufacturer just got tired of having the bikes they hand MO to test come back in pieces in the back of Burnsies Jagrolet) damn, just when this sight was beginning to get interesting too. Where do I sign up to get my $12 bucks back? Or do we have to storm the MO mansion/bath house en masse? (What a God awful image that just gave me, ugghh.) So what is it Minime? Are you guys all down in Tijuana drinking and wenching our hard earned $12 away? Or is Burns merely making you guys invest in them new fangled back scratchers with the titanium teeth? Yeehaw!
What with Sean and Patrick writing those bits every bit as funny (moreso, even) as Burnsie's best and everybody on the BBS being absolute world class experts on all things moto, We The Subscribers could just write the mag ourselves.
Or, we could just stay lazy, drink beer and take pot shots at MO.
Please stop. I need to be able to get my helmet on. There is no way that I could master the subtleties and innuendo that flow soo freely from the fertile mind of Mr. Burns. I AM however, a "World Class Expert" on all things jury rigged, repaired with safety wire & duct tape.
Hhmmm. Lets see. (2) matinee tickets to See 'Spider-man' once again. About (3) cases of Bud light. the Big ass can of Castrol chain lube (Which I bought at Americade for $8 instead of Comp A's or Chaparral's $12.) Lessee, about (2) tankfuls of gas meaning 500 miles of smiles.
It all went very quiet after the "(Advertising) Campaign Reform" discussion went wrong. I kinda suspect everyone decided to take their vacations at the same time to get away from it.
Either that or there was a bloody great argument in the office........
The writer would like to state that the views presented in this posting, do not neccesarily represent the views of the writer and are the sole responsibility of the aliens that injected green liquid into his brain.
In difficult and uncertain times such as these it is useful to spend time in reflection and contemplation. I say the challenges, brothers and sisters, they are many: Terrorism, hard economic times, the disappearance of MO, and Scooby Do as a feature film.
When faced with the vicissitudes of changing fortunes, my friends, it is a source of comfort to comtemplate something greater than ourselves. Something ubiquitous, unchanging, everlasting and eternal. Something that is with us in good times and bad. Something that is oblivious to the whims of changing fortune and will never abandon us or our children, or our childrens's children.
So I say to you right now, join me brothers and sisters, in a moment of silence and think about that one thing that keeps us afloat in the seas of trumoil that surround us....
You'll probably find them holed up in some motel bungalow just a little southeast of the Salton Sea, smoking crack cocaine with a great sweaty pile of toothless whores. At least that's what I like to do when I get a little time off.