Indian to More Aggresively Market to Jackas$es
Gilroy (AP) In a surprise move today, Indian Motorcycle Corporation's VP for Marketing announced that the fledgling company would more aggresively market to tasteless jackas$es.
"They are the dream customer for an overpriced, ridiculous product like ours," said Irving Hoover, VP for Marketing, Chrome and Novelties. "I wish we could breed these people. Too much money and not much taste equals ka-ching! ka-ching for us and our shareholders."
Others in the company however, are not as enthusiastic as Hoover. An engineer, wishing to remain anonymous, screamed in agony as a huge overseer branded him with a hot fender support to prod him on in his work. "Aieee! I won't make this bike any heavier with more chrome! It's getting so heavy it can't move under it's own power! No, no, not the whip!"
The jackas$ community welcomes the move by the company. "I think it's fantastic." said J. Thomas Flynn, a Silicone Valley intellectual property attorney and noted jackas$ "Finally, jackas$es are getting the rcognition we deserve with a product that is as blustery, overhyped, and worthless as we are. Harleys are close, but many of their models are hampered by clinging vestiges of utility. Indian gives me an oppurtunity to ride an overpriced, underpowered, uneliable deathtrap that costs more than most people on earth will make in a lifetime. That's practically tailor-made for a jackas$ like myself."
Traditional Indian enthusiasts remain indignant. "That's no Indian!" declared Traditional Indian Enthusiasts of America president Elmo J. Flintlock in a telegraphed interview from his sod hovel in Big Stone, Nebraska. "I won't be ridin' no bike with vulcanized rubber tires, points ignition, or a lubrication system! Give me india rubber, dynamo -advancer and total-loss lubricatin' everytime! I may not be some yahoo careenin' along at 60 miles per hour, but I'll get there! You just give me some time!"
Indian is expected to unveil it's new model, the Indian Excelsior Chief Henderson Fields, in early 2002. It will be constructed entirely of chrome, and the buyer will have the option of having himself chromed and permanently bolted to the motorcycle.