Turd-Burning Industry Threatens to Leave City
-Centerville (AP)
Jay Cacafrito gives the burning mixture in the drum a final, pensive stir with his worn 2-by-4 and gives it an appreciative sniff. He looks up at the thick brown plume rising up into the clear blue sky and says, "someday they'll wake up and we'll all be gone. And that's when they'll miss us."
Once a mecca for the feces-burning industry, Centerville now only has a handful of players in this once-vibrant and malodorous field. State, Federal and local regulations make it harder than ever to burn feces near populated areas, and businessmen like Cacafrito -- a 5th-generation turd-burner -- have left the area or turned to other enterprises like urine recycling or writing press releases for motorcycle manufacturers.
"The bottom line is, there's no reason to burn feces and it severely impacts air quality," said Nicole Hugenkis, regional director for the Centerville Air Quality Management Board. "There's a 6000% higher incidence of diseases like pink-eye, cholera and beriberi in a five-mile radius of turd-burning plants compared to the areas with no turd-burners nearby."
Since 1989, when regulations first started to be taken seriously by law-enforcement officials, 234 out of 237 turd-burning plants have shut down or moved the 30 miles to Bakersburg, where lax "free market" regulations allow any business to operate completely unregulated. Many citizens report being able to smell again and have even ventured to the outdoor cafes that have sprung up in the last decade. "It's nice to live somewhere that doesn't smell like $hit" said Diane Poup-Dupon, a 42-year-old mother of six .
"It's the end of a way of life for our family" said Cacafrito, adding a fresh load of turds to his burn-barrel and adding diesel fuel. "A lot of good turd-burners have left Centerville, never to return. What am I gonna do for the rest of my life? What am I gonna pass on to my children?"
He then licked some greasy soot from his lips and said, "we got a right to burn us some turds. And that's what I'm gonna do 'till there ain't no more turds."