Fun thing I wrote some time ago for Citybike
Craigslist Boneheads
Copyright 2005 Gabe Ets-Hokin
Who are these freakin' guys, anyway?
If you are a Bay Area motorcyclist, and you work at a desk with a computer on it, you probably spend some time every day browsing through the most comprehensive index of human stupidity on the Internet, the Craigslist Motorcycles/Scooters listing.
For those of you who have somehow missed out on the whole computer thing, Craigslist is a community bulletin board system founded by San Franciscan Craig Newmark in 1994. It has job listings, apartments for rent and all kinds of discussion forums. It is, in fact, one of the most heavily used websites right now, ranked 41st out of all the millions of websites out there. This means that basically, every Bay Area resident with internet access knows about Craigslist.
So naturally, the motorcycle page is very heavily trafficked. And there are thousands of ads on there right now, for every imaginable make and model. From the crappiest Z50 monkey knockoff to the most exquisite custom chopper, it has it all.
So naturally, theres a lot of stupid people buying and selling, presenting an amusing and pathetic microcosm of the human world for our worktime amusement. The stupidity is in so many forms it could (and might!) provide fodder for many columns: after all, I can only bash SUVs for so many months in a row. But because I dont want to take up too much of Grandpa Haltons precious real estate, Ill describe just a few. Enjoy!
Mindless Cheapskates
These are the most common subspecies of Craigslist Idiots (CLIs) out there. Like all CLIs, their spelling and grammar are at approximately a Second grade level. Look for all capitals, so youll know how serious they are. They usually want the impossible: "WANTED 2 BY: R1 GSXR NINJA636 R6 CBR600RR 2003 AND UP GOOD CONDISHUN NO SALVAGE TITLES. WILL PAY UP 2 $3000 CASH OR TRADE 1991 HONDA ACCORD AND LAPTOP. SERIOUS ONLY, PLEEZE. They often have a very businesslike email address, in case the usage of all capitals doesnt inform you of their severe seriousness. Im surprised that someone with a reputable email address like
[email protected] doesnt have a personal assistant or intern to find a motorcycle for him.
How does a guy like this get $3,000? Smashing parking meters? Donating small internal organs? Does being a human billboard pay that well? If so, Im in the wrong line of work.
Mr. Victim of a Bad Decision
I dont want to get into trouble reprinting somebodys ad (what if its Roman Polanskis?), but it usually goes something like this:
2005 Suzuki GSXR1000, 116 miles, small scratches, PERFECT! LIKE NEW!!!!!!
This is one fast motorcycle! It can go like 190 MPH! I payd over $14,000 out the door, but Ill sell it to you for only $13,980. Fender eliminator, Yosh exhaust, matching Arai helmet and Joe Rocket jacket, unused and perfect (except for a scrape mark on the back of the helmet) included. Only one low-speed tip-over, damage invisible from the right side.
Somebody needs to go out to his house and just slap this guy. But I do like how the Craigslist version of perfection is so much more forgiving than the repressive Judeo-Christian idea of perfection, meaning "no flaws of any kind". On Craigslist, "perfect" seems to mean "anything better than ****ty", so I have now revised my college GPA to a 4.0 from a 2.71. Harvard MBA, here I come!
The Hopeless Optimist
These folks are pathetic, but I find something stirring about the uniquely American brand of optimism displayed by them. They actually have a few sub varieties. The first are the overpricers. The normal laws of supply and demand are for suckers: the skys the limit when it comes to pricing motorcycles!
For an overpricer, a used bike sold by a private individual has about the same value as a brand new, current year motorcycle commonly available at any motorcycle dealership. So if they paid $4,000 out the door for a 250 Ninja three years ago, well, then, they should be able to get $3,200 for their three year old bike today, even though it has scratches on both sides, a broken turnsignal, and hasnt seen a wash bucket or can of chainlube since the Iraq war started. Go check out Wealth of Nations from the library, Greenspan, and try again.
Whats the state motto of New Hampshire? "Live Free or Die", right? So this next group I call "New Hampshirites". They see Craigslist as a place to get free stuff, because hey, work is for suckers, right?
WANTED: FREE MOTORCYCLE
Im a starving student and really want a motorcycle. Do you have a running motorcycle, preferably a Ninja or R6 that you can give me? Id be really, really grateful and would even consider making a small payment each month.
These guys make me angry because theyre the motorcycle worlds equivalent of the untouchables at Grateful Dead concerts who would wander grubbily around the parking lots with one emaciated finger in the air, waiting for some schmuck to give them a free ticket. I always wanted to rent a steamroller to take to one of these concerts, as this is the one demographic you could chase down with a steamroller.
Nobodys going to give you a motorcycle. Not a running one, anyway. Get a job!
The last group of optimists are the Classics Schleppers. Whats the next hot investment? Real Estate? Genentech? No way! A barely running 1980 CB750K! Only $2800! GOOD FOR THE OPEN ROAD! The only way that investment will pay off is if you own stock in a fork seal manufacturer.
And just to wrap things up, this last bit is actual text from a Craigslist ad. Its for a 1980s 600 Ninja, which Im positive is a nice bike, as the only thing mid-80s sportbikes need to bring them up to modern standards is an alloy subframe.
BIKE WAS UPGRADED ALLOY SUBFRAME REBULTED CARBS AIRBOX MUST GO BEFORE THE END OF THE MONTH CALL JASON
I emailed Jason and asked where his airbox was going, and if I could go with it. As of presstime, he still has not responded.